My plan to destroy the Earth in 2020
I listened to a podcast yesterday about someone deciding that their new year resolution is not to buy new shit, especially clothes. I see that the trend is picking up.
I didn't know that I have been the uncalled-for hero saving the Earth during the last 30 years by having exactly no sense of fashion. I have been using the exact outfit until they have holes. Being poor didn't help either, but I don't believe it was the main factor, no. Also, I'm in the 1% percentile of the population's body size. When I say the world stacks up against me with regard to fashion, it does.
Besides my sense of fashion or lack thereof, I had a trauma. Fucking full-on PTSD up until today whenever I hear the word "closet." It was in my freshman year of college when I was asked to help someone move. She was a senior student at the time and she had a huge freaking closet having full of clothes with tags on. It took forever to move that son of a bitch closet. Like if you pop a new tag every day, it will take a year to go over all the clothes in that closet. I swore to myself to never get into that situation.
The other day my sweet friend of 15 years spent half a day lecturing me about how to dress up. I didn't care enough to know I dressed like crap. I had several faux pas situations, and perhaps several dates might have gone down the toilet due to my outfits. However, in general, I think the pros outweigh the cons. I saved tons of money by not hooking up with girls with a taste for expensive stuff. They say, like, when you're used to being poor for so long, then you actually like it. I prefer country style, melt-in-your-mouth, GMO canned green beans with juicy bits of bacon for $2 over the undercooked organic Californian-style green beans for $10. Fuck that green beans, and fuck you Whole Foods.
Now as I am aware of it, I am contemplating actually destroying the Earth by buying nice clothes in 2020 to offset my negative carbons.
Regardless, I think when I die, no one will remember me because of my wonderful taste of fashion, just like pretty much everything else about me. I figure in an ever more competitive world, it's hard to be a legendary icon.
PS: You should know that I wrote this back in January as a satire. I didn't know beforehand that the world actually burns in hell in 2020.